Dakota Foss presents: The Bad Ass' Almanac: BITCHES pt. 1

Bitches. We all know one. In fact, we (you) might be one ourselves (yourself). They can be a tricky and deceiving breed when approached the wrong way. Not for an alpha male. With my help, you too can can get bitches both in bed and out of your life in no time. Read on to figure out how to effectively identify and deal with the multiple types of bitches in your life.

Perhaps I'm getting a little ahead of myself . What exactly is a bitch you ask? Webster's Dictionary defines a bitch as a woman (typically who is sexually attractive) who won't have sex with you. A bitch could also be some chick who is annoying as fuck. Use your discretion. The only universal is that bitches be bitches.

Bitches, like Baskin Robin's Ice Cream, come somewhere in the ballpark of 31 flavors. They may be dumb, but they have learned through evolutionary means (ironic, considering they didn't learn how to grow a dick, freeing them from bitch shackles) to annoy THE LIVING FUCK out of us in multiple ways. A bitch wants nothing more than to fuck you over financially, emotionally, and, if you're lucky, in the sack. She would succeed too...if it weren't for awesome alpha males with huge dicks figuring out the tricks of their trade.

Here are several of the more common types of bitches that you may have to deal with:

THE PARTY BITCHParty bitches in their natural habitat: some guy's basement
Note: The general DGAF attitude and nearly exposed breasts

First up is the Party Bitch (PB). PB is one of the more common types of bitches and can be easily spotted in a frat house, that guy who's twenty-something but still hangs with high schoolers' house, or in a rape investigation.

Like normal human beings, PBs require food, sleep, oxygen, and other essentials. Curiously, though none would argue miraculously, they require another element in order to sustain their existence: alcohol. If PBs do not ingest several shots each night, they will die a horrible, painful death...or gain self-respect. Either fate would be too much for them to handle so they spend their days recounting (or attempting to) their misadventures and who will booze them up for free.

BEWARE

PB's are usually pretty hot and will use there sexuality to try and seduce beta's into buying them alcohol and pumping tunes so they will not get tickets for noise complaints or lose precious dollars. She will go much farther in an attempt to steal your precious liquids (and I ain't talking about semen). She will wear provocative clothing, let you write your name on her, grind on your dick, and possibly give you a handy. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT GIVE IN. It's all a ruse! PB's have no interest in you. In fact, PB's are usually lesbian and spend much of their tipsy time making out with each other. This is actually an evolutionary response to the shortage of alcohol. When they make out, they share the precious, life-giving fluids of Smirnoff or Captain so that they may be granted another day of existence. On the off hand that you do have sex with one, you will not only have an awesome story to tell your bros, you will also have chlamydia. Congratulations.

HOW TO DEAL WITH ONE

PB's may be tough to deal with, but they are not invincible. Bring up her father and watch her break down in front of you. Try to not let alcohol touch their lips, but occasionally it's unavoidable. When that is the case, immediately cut off any tuneage that is available. I don't care if it's the middle of the "na na na's" in All the Small Things, you GTFO immediately. Eventually, PB's will become weak with sobriety and melt into oblivion. It also wouldn't hurt to a have a box of either wine or your alcoholic piss from last weekend on hand to remove them from the situation temporarily. This might trigger their primal urges and cause them to become more aggressive in their search of alcohol once they get a taste, but hopefully the 10-30 seconds that it takes them to ingest the fluids will give you enough of a head start to run away.

WARNING: You can also roofy them, which appears to be the favorite among frats but this is frowned upon (in most cases) and illegal. Use a condom.


That's it for our inaugural edition of Bad Ass' Alamanac. Stay tuned for more installments to help you deal with bitches and how to become an alpha in all walks of life. Peace, bro